So a bit of a different post today, I don’t even know if I’m really going to publish this but I really feel the need to just write it out and maybe share it with you guys once I’m doing a bit better.
The last couple of weeks or even months have been quite rough on me. I’m sorry if you have noticed the lack of posts, with being a little bit more on the down side comes a ton of tiredness and stress. I’m not going into very much detail on what exactly is weighing me down, but all I really want to do is send out more of a positive / encouraging message with this post.
You don’t really choose to feel sad. Events happen, people happen and everyone has a bit of a mental breakdown type of thing every now and then. Everyone gets sad sometimes and there isn’t much you can do about it, especially if the only people that can fix it are not in the right place and are a big part of the problem at that moment and won’t be able to help you solve it. All you can and really should do is count your blessings and think about all the good things in your life, even if you think there’s none. Just write them down. Don’t be a slave to your own feelings.
Obviously, I have been trying really hard to study a lot as about a month ago, my exams started. Rough times already started in April however, around spring break. I had been feeling very, very lonely and unloved already and of course, that exam stress came on top of it. Luckily, I did pass so it was definitely worth it! I heard the news yesterday and of course I am super happy about that! Besides that, the road I am following right now is very rocky and the past four or five weeks have been a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs for me. I’ve been having random sad moments and break downs ever since my puppy died about all kinds of things. Sometimes I wake up and I immediately feel that heavy feeling of sadness in me, sometimes I go to sleep and it’s all fine and well, sometimes it’s hard and scary to fall asleep because when you wake up, that one person might not be there anymore, be it through a break up or death. I have seen death and experienced losing people and other people losing people a few times already. It’s sad but of course, inevitable. We grow and we change and sometimes it really is time to go.
If your happiness relies on other people, in the sense that there are people who are making you sad and you can’t fix yourself (or so you think) without their help, it’s terrible. I feel like you are spiralling down and eventually just start picking at your own self for everything and anything you can come up with. “I don’t have my dream body that I had last year anymore, I have less friends so I am probably not good enough. Maybe my personality is terrible? I am a terrible person, I’m a let down, I’m not like I used to be, I feel different and I’m ugly”. Those are the kind of things that happen. It’s called change and sometimes there isn’t a lot you can actually do about it.
Maybe it is good to think about yourself and how you act, but not in that excessive way where you just downgrade and downgrade yourself. Be happy. People with actual depression will tell me that you can’t just ‘be happy’ and that I don’t understand, but people who are sad about some recent life events can. You shouldn’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy with yourself. You CAN fix yourself. The things you are chewing yourself out on can be fixed as they’re usually all small things coming at you at once.
Missing people sucks. It really sucks. It also sucks when you are scared to lose someone who is very important to you. It sucks when it doesn’t all go as planned. Especially If it concerns something you have fought for for years. Sometimes you can’t do anything about it, sometimes you can. You can be the sweetest person in the world and the person you want won’t want you. It all happens.. Trying to hold on is a struggle and it’s not always worth it. Let go if you feel like you have to. Start working on yourself before you work on other people again. Alone time to think is really good, too.
One thing I have learnt, is that it is okay to cry. It’s fine to feel sad. Say you’re going through a break up, give it a day to feel sad and just move on. Give the sadness it’s time and when it has had it’s time, it’s over. Done. We don’t talk about it anymore and give it a place. All you can and should really do is show that person what they lost- not a sad little puddle of human, but a very strong person who is showing the best version of theirself. If it’s your body that’s bothering you or your grades, then stop being sad about it and just work. Don’t just set it aside as it will cause way more stress before you know it and you’re a day away from that important test or summer or whatever the end goal is.
What has been really helping and supporting me, is praying. It gives me faith that it will be fine soon and maybe even for the better for everyone. I am actually quite scared about what is going to happen. I am scared I won’t be able to really reach the end goal. I am scared I am going to fail. I’m super scared about losing the people I love the most. I’m scared of being sad for too long. You CAN’T always be happy and perfect. Give it a few days, maybe even one and have a good cry. I know I can always rely on God to help me get through all the bad stuff and everything, I’m sure most of you have something or someone like that, too! Use it as something you can comfort yourself in. I am really happy with everything God has given me and I really do trust him with what he’s planning for my future and what he has done with my life in the past.
The bottom line is, that everyone gets scared and sad sometimes. It’s totally fine! I’m sorry if this post wasn’t what you had expected for today, but I really just felt the need to let it out, you know? Thanks if you’ve come all the way to the end, if you’ve been feeling a bit down as well, it’s okay and you will be able to crawl out of that black hole very soon.
Stay positive and I love you. ❤